D.I.L.E.M.M.A.
Okay so I'm still wondering if I should join the HKU Student Ambassador Scheme when the deadline's actually this Saturday!! Goodness' sake, I've been telling myself to start writing my 2-page resume up but then the more I think about it, the more I'm reluctant to get it done.
I just lost the fire in me to try something new, it's the same situation when I was applying for Starr Hall in the beginning of the school year. I started off as full of hope and anticipation and ended up being super-reluctant to live in hall, and when the new hall called and told me to check in, I declined the offer.
Perhaps I was right in not living in hall after all, coz the first semster proved that I can never concentrate when people's around and to a person who values privacy or well, secrecy, to such a high degree, hall life would be a torture to me. Perhaps this is a justification or rationalization, but then I didn't regret my choice.
But how about this ambassador thingy? Should I move my lazy ass from the couch and start typing my not-gonna-be-very-impressive resume which would have been done in 2 hours if I concentrate? But then a sense of reluctance, a sense of unwillingness, a sense of hesitation, just kept me from doing it. I really dunno about this scheme, it sounds interesting, I mean, sharing my experience with high school students, doing student recruitment activities (the thought of scaring the high school students' head off by showing them the exaggerated admission grades statistics just thrills me. Ha. Ha.) blah blah blah...They seem to be something that I'm quite interested in doing, coz you know, I'm always the kind of person who's interested in "offering assistance" to the juniors (though when I say offering assistance, I mean scaring their heads off first so that they'll listen to me talking talking and talking). But then, when I consider the whole name of the scheme carefully, HKU Student Ambassador, I hesitated. I mean, it's HKU, not SMCC.
I know it takes years for a person to develop a solid sense of belonging, as a matter of fact, I didn't feel very strongly about SMCC until I was in F.4. But then HKU, what can I say? It's so different from SMCC. SMCC's literally a second home to me. No matter how much I hate it at times, I felt comfortable in it, I felt totally okay with serving it. But HKU, to me, it's an education insitution, in which I pay and I get education back, it's not a home, it's not even a place I feel comfortable being in. It's a place where I experience alienation and rejection. Sometimes I hate it. But I never have a moment or two that I feel in love with it. Never.
Perhaps it's all too soon to conclude my feelings towards HKU. And anyone who's read it and tries to be a supportive little good friend of mine will say to me, "give it a try, you never know what will happen, maybe after becoming an ambassador, you'll feel better about HKU". Yea you're right. But then it's all about the egg-first-or-chicken-first (sorry for the Chinglish) question. I read the criteria they've set for a HKU Student Ambassador, one of them is "a strong sense of belonging to HKU and be enthusiastic to act as the university's ambassador", so this thing comes to my mind, shouldn't I be strongly attached to the school first before stepping up to serve it? And so you see, I'm not even personifying the school, in the past, when I mentioned SMCC, I'll naturally visualizing an motherly "she" image in my mind, and now, what about HKU, I'm saying it's a "it", it's like a cold mechanical dehumanizing degree-holders factory.
Perhaps I'm the one to blame for not breaking the fence around my comfort zone and experience the humanizing side of HKU. Perhaps all these are nothing but my defense to my laziness and cowardice in facing up new challenges. But then isn't there something wrong, when I dun even feel like experiencing the humaizing side of HKU? And do you think it feels good to stay in my own limited social network all the time? Do you think I like to be alone all the time?
I know it's hard for some to understand why I chose HKU at the first place when I'm having this hatred for the school. Frankly, at times, I doubt if my choice's right. But then I chose HKU for better prospect, no offence to other universities really, it's just because I'm interested in Psy and I won't be able to get a job with a Bachelor Psy degree when I absolutely have no money for a Master degree right away, that's why I settled for a Social Sciences bachelor degree which logically will help a little, just a little more, in getting a job after graduation.
And this is it. This is the point. How can I become a student ambassador when I have no sentiment for HKU? How can I become a student ambassador when the reasons why I chose HKU is so mechanical? What will I say to the high school babies when I'm supposed to be promoting HKU? And most importantly, will I be happy if I have to fake all the way through the interview and if I'm lucky enough, fake through the whole 2006 that "oh I'm so in love with HKU's culture" when I secretly regard it as nothing but snobbish brainwashing?
I have no luck with all kinds of "ambassador" thingy. I just dun wanna mention anything about the McDonald's Youth Ambassador Scheme, it's a trauma, and it puts me to feel all guilty when I'm left with no choice but McDonald's fucking expensive meals for lunch.
Will I fall in love with HKU or will I hate it even more after participating in the scheme? I know perhaps I won't pass for the interview, or perhaps I'll not even be chosen for the interview, but then if I consider these possibilities, why should I be fussing over the resume now? Why can't I just switch off my computer and go watch some telly or read some novels or go flip through my Soler folder for Ju's sake?
It's this dilemma in me. It's this little voice in my head telling me that if I dun stick my feet out of the little circle around me, I'll rot. But is this scheme the right choice for a change? Or will it torture me and limit me to an even smaller circle? I have no idea.
Okay I may sound a little too cynical and perhaps arrogant and snobbish and annoying here, but please, I do need some advice. And remember people, the deadline's on Saturday. Help me, the passage above may have provoked you but yea, though I dun wanna admit, it's just my facade when I get really desparate and depressed, so please put your generous fingers on the keyboard and type whatever you wanna say to me, you can even say, "Go fuck yourself you fucking fuck."
Yea. Perhaps I should be posting this in Xanga in order to collect more advice and opinions, coz you know, those Xanga pals love leaving comments.
