Growing up is not the absence of dreaming

I think my Ego Defense Mechanisms have totally broken down. All the inconrugence between actual experience and my self-concept is accurately perceived and I feel like a complete loser.

I never wanna do something big. I never wanna really influence the world. I never wanna be famous, even though I do believe that everyone's gonna be famous for 15 mins just as Andy Warhol said.

But I just feel like, I have no achievement. None at all. And I'm so inadequate.

Maybe I'm gifted to be booksmart. Maybe I should be happy with it. But am I really booksmart? It takes me less time to finish my revision and still get good results (well lately I'm just not sure if I possess this ability anymore.), but comparing with others, I'm so dumb.

Mom keeps telling me I shouldn't be comparing myself with the others. But it's just impossible. I can't be living in my own locked room when all the people around me are so competitive.

Some of them are eligible for EAS. Some of them have universities chasing after them. Some of them are going to famous univerisities next year.

What do I have? I dun even know if I can be accepted by a local university.

I feel like, I'm merely fulfilling my responsibility of being a student, just behaving well and getting good results. but I'm never learning. Ask me what I've learnt in all these years of schooling, and I'll answer you with perfect silence. I'm just messing my own life up, thank goodness I'm not in the state of screwing people's lives up yet.

I dunno how am I going to survive in univeristy even I've got accepted. My passive learning attitude just won't get me anywhere.

I need a change. I've been saying this all along. When will I really unlock the room of my little own world and walk out of it? When will I be willing to put my arrogance or pride down to recognize my own shortcomings?

I'm not sure.
Time waits for no one, I maybe the one who stand still when everyone's ahead, far ahead.