Thanks so much for talking with me on the phone last night, Carrie. Shouldn't have called you coz it was so damn late and you didn't sleep well after the call. Sorry sorry sorry.

But you're right. What more could I ask for? My life's been so much like a roller coaster ride since February, and the excitement, the satisfaction, the enjoyment I've got from these few months is ten times more than all those added up before I turned 20. I should be grateful for such a change in me.

Somehow I still have doubts about whether I'm living for myself or living for him. But now it seems quite clear that, I am living for myself. I'm living for the kind of life that I've been wanting to have. I'm living for seeing myself breaking out of the shell and become somebody who's more like the Christy hiding deep inside of  me. And I know, I won't lose myself, instead, I'm moving on to discover more about myself and develop into someone who's unique and most importantly, happy with herself.

Perhaps loving him like this is really kind of a torture. Perhaps I'm too overwhelmed by such a intense passion for him which I've never felt for anyone before, but think the other way round, if he's not around, if I didn't fall for this guy at the very first place, perhaps I'm still the little mama's girl who's got nothing to do except to study and get depressed and end up hating herself. Perhaps I wouldn't realize that I can be so much more than my appearance gives me credit for. Perhaps I wouldn't be brave enough to step up for the experimentation of such different kind of life. Perhaps I wouldn't develop such a confidence in me after all. Perhaps it's silly, but it's him. It's him who has energized this whole thing. And perhaps I wouldn't get him at the end, perhaps I wouldn't even get the chance to know him, but he's already given me so much and I should be grateful to let him intrude in my life, at least at this period of time.

And before someone else comes my way, blows JA away and lights another flame in me, just let me keep on loving him, for he's now the fire that keeps me going.

And love is in no way equal to possession. This thing I know.

Love is knowing when to let go.